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Washington Post - Dating Advice, Straight Up

Sunday, November 6, 2005; M04

I've been happily single in the city for a while now, so when my recently engaged younger sister asked, "Are you going to have a boyfriend by my wedding?" I was a little shocked. Surely at 25 I had a few good years of unfettered fun left before settling down? While my high school classmates have babies and buy houses, I'm happy with my go-it-alone cosmopolitan existence.

Still, the wedding. I took my sister's point that my unmarried state didn't mean I had to show up dateless. Perhaps I could "put myself out there" more. But what does that mean, exactly? It may sound like an excuse, but my dating downturn isn't all my fault. I've waded through sea after sea of pleated khakis, and all it has done is left me wondering where all the plain-front fish are. What I needed was a little advice.
Don't look now, but check out that hot guy behind the bar: Dave Singleton, right, gives Kate Ghiloni some dating pointers. (By Nate Lankford For The Washington Post)

Enter Dave Singleton, whose book "Behind Every Great Woman Is a Fabulous Gay Man" is the latest helpful read for any SPF ISO SPM. Now, whether from my grandma or Dr. Drew, third party interference in matters of the heart is not for me. After all, keeping track of the advice can drive a woman crazy. In my years of dating, I'd broken the Rules, fouled out of the Game, and OD'd on Savage Love.

But since the book jacket touts Singleton as better than Ann Landers, Carrie Bradshaw and Dr. Phil combined, I had high hopes he'd leave me better off than reading "He's Just Not That Into You."

But who is this Singleton (yes, it's an ironic name for a relationship adviser) and what makes him such an expert? As the author of "The Mandates: 25 Real Rules for Successful Gay Dating" and as a columnist for Match.com, the 44-year-old Washingtonian has long been advising gay men on their love lives. And after playing Will to countless Graces over the last 20 years, Singleton says he decided to write the book as a valentine to all his single girlfriends. Only a gay boyfriend, he argues, can provide the tough love without an agenda -- something I agreed was rare, even from your closest girlfriends.

After reading his book, I caught up with Singleton for cocktails -- and advice -- at Local 16. To help him pinpoint my repetitive fatal dating flaw, I recounted all my like, lust, love and loss stories -- from my first boyfriend who kept me out too late and drove my parents crazy to the good-on-paper guy in college, a Harvard class president. Too bad his idea of courtship was gazing into my eyes across Baked Lays at Subway.

Subsequent stints included men too old, too serious, too intense -- always too something. Singleton listened carefully and in less than 30 minutes dubbed me part "Miss Defensive" and part "Miss Overly Critical." Whoa. Am I completely transparent or is he really that good? I definitely have a tendency to come off as independent to a fault, but was I really overly critical of my suitors?

Singleton pointed out that I can keep my high standards, but shouldn't be so quick to shoot down every man who can't meet them. He advised me to open my mind, view dating more as a numbers game and perhaps discover I enjoy some of the guys who initially didn't "measure up." After deciding the cutest guy in the place was behind the bar, I left feeling a bit more conscious of my dating self.

So how has Singleton's advice played out in my dating world? I've given that critical eye a vacation (though it still raises an eyebrow on occasion), and I am working on that overly independent thing. His common sense recommendations may not be groundbreaking, but we've been so bombarded with guides to hunting, fishing and hooking men that suggesting an even-keeled approach to relationships is a fresh idea. If you already have a gay boyfriend, you probably won't need Singleton by your side. If, however, you've found yourself crazed, burnt out or discouraged by the dating universe and have no males to help you navigate the choppy water, his bright yellow book can serve you well.

As for my sister's wedding, I've got some time so I don't have to throw myself on the mercy of the online gods yet (Dave is a big advocate of online dating). I'm not quite there. I need meeting people to be more organic -- even if it is three martinis into happy hour. Still, I'll keep the book in plain sight as a reminder that it's all a numbers game. I guess I'm still critical, but at least now I'll have a fabulous gay angel on my shoulder reminding me to give the guy in pleats a chance. Maybe.

-- Kate Ghiloni

© 2005 The Washington Post Company




AOL Book Review - The ABC Book List for Pride Month

By BETHANNE KELLY PATRICK, THE BOOK MAVEN

Once upon a time, a Pride Book List might have been filled with design books and dour tomes about hard political times. No more -- with continued progress towards acceptance of all sexual orientations and lifestyles has led to more and better books published that deal with all aspects of gay and lesbian life. Sure, Scott & Scott's romance novels like 'Hot Sauce' are getting a lot of attention now, but the titles we've chosen offer a bit more breadth -- not quite A to Zed, but at least A through M -- a lot more fun; take a peek!:

N is for NICE: 'Behind Every Great Woman There's a Fabulous Gay Man: Advice From a Guy Who Gives It to You Straight' by Dave Singleton is proof that sometimes, nice guys do finish first: Singleton has written a warm, witty and useful book that will give even women without a gay boyfriend the chance to benefit from the advice of one. Check back tomorrow for my Q&A with Singleton, too!


"Behind Every Great Woman is proof that sometimes, nice guys do finish first: Singleton has written a warm, witty and useful book."



Newshound Magazine

"Witty, entertaining, razor-sharp and uncompromisingly direct. 'Think Queer Eye meets The Fabulous Girl's Guide to Life with the wit and appeal of Sex in the City. It's already become a word-of-mouth hit.'" - Newshound Magazine


The Chicago Tribune

"Make a date with this book tonight." - Chicago Tribune


Tango Magazine Summer 2005

The Art of Getting Together

THE DATING GAME

Looking for love can be about as much fun as having your teeth cleaned. KRISTINE KERN shares some first-date tips from the newest addition to her panel of experts.

Does anyone truly like to date? I mean really get excited about sifting through potential candidates, sussing out neuroses, reading between the lines. I'm not talking about the thrill and anticipation you might feel the day you're going out with someone new. I'm talking about the nitty-gritty research involved in finding someone who intrigues you. I suppose there are some people who enjoy the hunt. And others who are so confident (or delusional) that they don't feel like they're opening themselves up to humiliation, pain, and suffering-along with intense joy and sexual tension. But by and large, I'm thinking, dating rates pretty far down the fun scale.

I should know. I'm one of you-the dating masses. And while I'm not so cynical as to say it sucks entirely, I would suggest that daters need all the help they can get. That's why I have my own panel of experts. This is my team of go-to people. They offer advice, wisdom, humor, perspective. They tell me when not to call him, when not to believe him, when to cut him a break. They soothe me when I'm freaking out. And I can't tell you how many times they've pushed me back into the fray.

Enter Dave Singleton. Dave is an author; his latest book is Behind Every Great Woman There's a Fabulous Gay Man: Advice from a Guy Who Gives it to You Straight. He also wrote The Mandates: 25 Real Rules for Successful Gay Dating. Needless to say, Dave knows a thing or two. More specifically, he knows a thing or two about men-and he's willing to share.

I'm an online dater, as I told Dave when we met for coffee. Some months I have the time and energy to spend on dating sites, and then weeks will go by without my even signing on. Usually, though, after a romantic drought, I'll get depressed and feel as though I've gotta do something, and online dating is the most direct route to feeling like I'm back in the game.

Dave's answer to the burn-out factor in online dating is the "step-up." "You want to quickly meet to gauge chemistry," he says. "After getting stuck with a few losers for entire evenings, a girl quickly learns to agree only to a coffee-screener date, or some other 'step-up' date, before actually committing to an entire evening." He's right, in theory, but I'm so done with the coffee date. I don't think I've ever felt sexy in a Starbucks. I use the phone to screen out the losers, instead.

So, by phone or by latte, you've decided the guy is worthy. What makes a great first date? I ran a few of my own past Dave, and he picked three winning strategies.

1. Taking a new guy to a Giants baseball game scored high on the Dave-o-meter. "In general, sports venues are an excellent place to experience straight men in their natural habitats," he says. "With their guards down, they're likely having fun and feeling good. Plus, chances are you'll get credit for being a good sport."

2. I met one guy in Central Park on a warm evening for a bike ride. Dave totally approved of this idea: "Plan to do something that reveals your spirit," he says, "whether that's a athletic activity or an outdoor concert." So far, so good. The problem there was that I'm a highly competitive rider and the guy ended up not being able to keep up.

3. Another guy and I went to the Roxy one night for roller disco. We'd already established an easygoing rapport by phone, so both of us were more willing than usual to make complete fools of ourselves on roller skates. This was a great first date, and got two-thumbs from Dave: "Lively, spontaneous, unpredictable."

Dave also had three first-dates no-no's: 1. Movies: no opportunity to talk
2. Black-tie events: the formality makes people stiff.
3. Places you'll run into a lot of your friends: too much, too soon.

He is one smart cookie, and I'm glad he's on my panel. Of course, that doesn't mean I always like what he has to say. When we discussed my present sitch (roller disco guy and I have been going out), he was appalled at my reluctance to heed Chapter 7 of his book- "Keeping Your Romantic Pipeline Full of Men"-which he also calls "having a herd." "But, it takes so much energy," I whined. He nodded, sagely. "And I'm happy with my current let's-not-talk-about-the-future and have-as-much-fun-as-possible scenario," I argued. "Mmmm-hmmm," he said. I knew by his tone I was in trouble.

"It's a noble thing to be a one-man woman," he said. "But when you are dating, there are benefits to a herd. In your case, you don't want to sleep with more than one guy at a time, and you don't have to. But having a herd would offer your current 'situation' (dare I call it the dread R-word?) context and comparison."

Context and comparison? Well, it's hard for a reasonable dating person to argue with that-even when she's really got a one-man heart.

Kristine Kern is the managing editor of Tango.






Los Angeles Magazine June 2005

Most straight women out there will admit that it is their gay male friends who have taught them the most about men and relationships. After years of comforting and guiding female friends on their paths to love, Dave Singleton puts his stories to paper as he shares his sound advice to straight women all over the world. Step aside, Carrie Bradshaw.





Knight Ridder News Service
HOOK UP WITH A BOOK
We tell you where to turn for advice on love
By Pamela E. Spencer
Nov. 12, 2005

When your friends are sick of hearing about your love life and its woes, your therapist is ready to give you a refund and your favorite bartender bans you for life, turn to a book. It won't tell you to shut up, and often it can assure you that whatever you're feeling, you're not the first.

We might not be able to find the One for you, but we can guide you to the one book (or two) that's right for you. (All prices included are the published list prices for an available edition.)

"The MANdates: 25 Real Rules for Successful Gay Dating" by Dave Singleton. Crown Publishing, $12.95.

What it is: A set of guidelines not written specially for lonely women.

Who should read it: The single looking to date more successfully, not necessarily exchange rings.

Pros: The writer interviewed couples and singles and put their stories in the book. "I learned that there are 8 million gay men and four stories," he says. It reads real. And whether you're a gay man or a straight woman, this book teaches a lot. "The key to a successful relationship is not believing that everyone is imperfect, and therefore you should be happy if you find a guy with most of the traits you like. The key is drawing a line in the sand for what's totally unacceptable. You have to decide what you absolutely cannot abide and then pray like hell you'll get over the rest. This is called having standards." Hilarious - and true.

Cons: One of the 25 mandates is, "Hit on someone your own size (and double your wardrobe)." Is shirt size the criterion you should be looking at, really?





EROS

The Mandates - Dave Singleton's Keys to Successful Gay Dating

By Christine Watson August 24, 2004

Everyone saw the hype about The Rules, the book that seems to have been written by sadistic hell spawn claiming to be single women. Seriously, who could resist a woman who won't go out with you Saturday if you don't ask her out by Wednesday? Or who won't call you back? Or who won't hold a conversation with you for more than three hours because she wants to maintain "control." Hot! Ranting aside, it's easy for any straight guy or gal to peruse the self-help section of their favorite book haunt and find a bazillion paperbacks with guidance about dating promising brighter dating futures. But where can 8 million homosexual guys go for dating advice? Thanks to Dave Singleton, there is now such a book.

The book is smartly entitled The MANdates, but you won't find any ridiculous or offensive instruction on how to trick someone into believing you're not a cold and heartless ice being. Nay, Mr. Singleton instead gives thoughtful guidelines for keeping yourself emotionally in check whilst treading water in the gay dating pool, and he makes you smile in the process.

In The MANdates, Singleton reveals tips and tricks gleaned from his own experiences as well as lumps taken from 175 other soldiers on the front lines of the gay dating scene. He'll give you a few of the most common characters you'll meet, such as Peter Pansexual, "the guy who's really flighty and who says he wants a relationship but really just wants the freedom. He may have wanted a relationship that day, but tomorrow's a whole new day."

He'll also tell you a bit about the "poetic bait-and-switch body Nazi," who will spout poetry and whatever sweet nothings he thinks you want to hear and will then reveal what he's really like later on. Hmm, this is beginning to sound familiar and not so specific to the gay dating scene. But I digress.

In addition to dating archetypes, Singleton asks you to ask yourself what *you* want. Are you looking for a serious relationship or the occasional dinner date?

Without giving too much away, here are a few of those essential MANdates, taken straight off the back of the book:

MANdate #10: Everything you need to know, you learn in the first five minutes.
MANdate #12: The difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now: Learn it!
MANdate #13: Things you should never, ever, for any reason, say out loud in the first six months of dating.
MANdate #24: Be your own "Judge Judy": Evaluating Heinous vs. Forgivable Sins.


This fantastic truthful and humorous guide to dating has actually been touted as "The Bible for the Single Gay Guy." To buy the book or learn more about gay dating, visit www.themandates.com.





Southern Voice

Dating book for gay men lays out rules of attraction Author to appear in Atlanta with real-world pointers

By Brian Suber Friday, June 25, 2004

For gay men, dating can be confounding, fun, time-consuming, exciting, nerve-wracking, serious — and sometimes even successful.

In his book "The Mandates: 25 Real Rules for Successful Gay Dating," pop culture commentator Dave Singleton highlights both the funny and serious sides of gay dating.

"I wanted to write something funny because dating is funny," says Singleton, a self-described reformed serial monogamist. "But I also wanted to include the serious with some of the very poignant stories I heard."

Using first-person accounts from interviews with 175 men around the country, the author put together a set of guidelines to help readers negotiate the man-to-man minefield.

"I wanted to know what other guys were doing," he says. "I saw that we are spending a lot more time on this than we like to admit."

Obstacles to successful dating include a lack of gay dating role models, the focus on youth and beauty among men, the male ego and a lack of matchmaking between gay men.

Singleton uses clear, concise and sometimes cutting language to guide guys through dating. That includes what he calls the social A.D.D. of urban gay men in which heads continuously turn from the abundance of potential dates and "the next best thing" around the corner.

The advice in "Mandates" is accessible to guys at all stages of dating. Some of the rules are elementary and obvious: Mandate #1: Following Rules of Body Language; Mandate #14: Hit on Someone Your Own Size; and Mandate #22: Be True to Your Own Standards.

But others may prove useful even to experienced players: Mandate #11: No One Ever Learned to Love Anyone, Ever … Move On; and Mandate #15: Meeting His Friends: The Ultimate Corporate Merger.

Other useful tips include how to gauge a CD collection or medicine chest and how to type a potential date in the first five minutes of conversation.

"What Catholic priests have known for years, only on the rarest occasion does any confession last longer than five minutes," Singleton writes.

There are also tidbits on what not to say in the first six months; how to weigh "heinous" versus "forgivable" dating sins; and how to broach the subject of monogamy.

Some guys might find Mandate #18 useful: Having an extra toothbrush, spare contact lens case and two articles of his clothing at your home are good indicators that you have graduated to boyfriend status.

The author lays out pickup lines that should be avoided at all costs and offers advice on cyber dating that includes how to build the perfect online profile.

Singleton also types modern gay men — like Boy Next Door and Billy the Gay Clone Doll — and writes a good deal about a new anomaly in the gay dating world, what he dubs the Otherwise Straight Guy. For guys who have trouble separating tricks from potential relationships, Singleton also explains the difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now.

"Mandates" also tackles prickly topics such as sex on the first date (Singleton’s advice: "Don’t. Unless you’re in a foreign country and one of you is leaving the next day), what constitutes a real date versus "sex dates," and drug and alcohol use by a potential partner.

The author acknowledges that gay dating is different from straight dating ("Don’t Try to be Ozzie and Harriet — Even Ozzie and Harriet Weren’t Ozzie and Harriet").

Singleton wraps up his pointers with a handy self-test for gauging mastery of "The Mandates," as well as "16 Great Things About Not Dating Someone of the Opposite Sex" and a primer on the "Do’s and Don’ts" of gay dating.

Intermingling true stories and sound advice, the author pulls together a fun and forthright guidebook for any man diving into the deep end of the gay dating pool.





Bookmarks Publication

The Mandates: 25 Real Rules for Successful Gay Dating, by Dave Singleton.

Three Rivers Press, 256 pages, $12.

Review by Richard Labonte, who has read, edited, and written about queer literature since the mid-'70s.

You can't always judge a book by its cover - or, in the case of this relentlessly upbeat advice book, by its quirky chapter headings. A skim of the table of contents suggests spun sugar. To wit (literally): rule 5, "Eager Beavers Gnaw Quickly, Then Drown;" rule 10, "He Opened His Mouth and His Purse Fell Out;" rule 16, "When Male Egos Collide - Mr. Titanic, Meet Mr. Iceberg." But Singleton's cheeky "mandates" do, in fact, provide adequate nutrition-rich relationship tips about self-image, expectations, grooming, first dates, moving in together, meeting each other's friends, and even breaking up. The challenge with how-to books is to pass off basic common sense as something sagacious. This one does so with a zesty combination of witty matchmaking mantras, eye- catching design and packaging, and - for readers with really, really short attention spans - a lot of lists.








Gay Wired
"This book is The Bible for the Single Gay Guy"
Dave Singleton's The MANdates, 25 Real Rules for Successful Gay Dating
04.14.04

By Cam Lindquist

A guide for the gay man in the dating trenches, the MANdates is filled with rules of dating specifically for gay men. Singleton starts out by logically approaching the different types of men with guys like Peter Pan-sexual who dangles the relationship carrot but never really wants to commit and the "Bi-curious" guy who is about as straight as a circle… Can you say trouble with a capital T? Now who hasn’t dated guys like this?

Singleton outlines the 25 MANdates, or rules for gay male dating, coving essentials like:

I don't want to give away all Dave’s secrets, but since these MANdates are on the press release and the back cover of the book, here are a few words of wisdom for you until you get your own copy:

* MANdate #10: Everything you need to know, you learn in the first five minutes
* MANdate # 12: The difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right now: Learn it!
* MANdate # 13: Things you should never, ever, for any reason, say out loud in the first six months of dating.
* MANdate #24: Be your own "Judge Judy": Evaluating Heinous vs. Forgivable Sins.

In short, this book is The Bible for the Single Gay Guy… Don’t go on another date without reading this paperback cover to cover!

Read the full text here.







2.12.2004

So here it is Valentine's Day once more and you're still in the dating trenches, fighting the battles of online dating, being fixed-up by friends, and scouring the city for sane, eligible opportunities.

Dave Singleton feels your pain. Like so many gay men, he's been there, done that. Now he has some advice that may make your dating life easier -- and give you some laughs along the way.

Read the full text












"I love the book!" – Alex Cho, Managing Editor, Instinct Magazine





Publisher's Weekly
March 2005
A gay man who wants women to feel great, look great and find love, Singleton is hilarious and hard-hitting. A little Queer Eye and a little Sex and the City, his self-help book makes 21st-century dating sound like snorkeling among sharks. You need a gay male friend, Singleton suggests, for his fierce loyalty and honesty, and as a guide to help you screen the metrosexuals and avoid the “seagull daters” (a.k.a., “a man who flies over you, looks better from a distance, swoops in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves”). Dating successfully, Singleton writes, requires women to embolden their style (“Don’t Blend In. Stand Out!”), behave smartly and carefully evaluate the respectfulness of their suitors. He prescribes “location, location” as a tonic to nights lost looking for eligible men in dysfunctional Cheers hangouts. Try pool halls, golf courses, adventuring clubs, continuing education, church and, yes, work. Despite some stereotypical depictions of astute gay men sharing their creativity with mixed up, fashion-blind gals, Singleton’s wisdom goes beyond his marketing specialist credentials. With humor, tact and compassion, he proposes ways to overcome the more stultifying aspects of women’s hardwiring, like their tendency to channel their “inner good girl” halfway through a hot fling. “Women overestimate the evil of men’s motives. You think men are acting awful when in fact they are just clueless and apathetic,” he points out in a section about pre- date anxiety. Elsewhere, he reassures readers, “You can be happy on your own.” A quick read with usually good advice and succinctly coined phrases for every modern dating situation, this book is plain fun. (Apr.)

Publisher's Weekly
Jan. 2004
"Across the world, eligible gay men are still 'social outlaws,' a ragtag gang of hormonally driven cowboys riding into romantic battle with guns, 'ammo,' and no clue," writes Singleton, who spent many hours listening to his friends' dating woes to formulate the rules he espouses here. A couple of his mandates could be applied to straight folks ("#22: Be True to Your Own Standards" or "#19: Ax the Word Ex"), but Singleton recognizes that most gay men don't adhere to the conventional "till death do us part" rigamarole. Accordingly, he provides would-be Romeos with handy gay-specific tips like "Hit on Someone Your Own Size (And Double Your Wardrobe)."...Most readers will appreciate the author's breezy but knowledgeable take on gay dating. (Jan.) Copyright 2003 Reed Business Information.