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"My New Boyfriend Disappeared Without a Trace"
Dear Dave,
What do you make of a guy who stops returning calls? He's 33, I am 34, and we hit it off immediately when we met, now six weeks ago. We spent a couple of weekends together, during which he talked about our future. We never said we loved each other, although we said we both felt close to each other. But all the good signs were there: the sex was fantastic and we could talk for hours. I guess in our last conversation there were bad signs, but I thought he was just having a bad day. He couldn't talk long, said he was stressed by work, and didn't say anything like, "I can't wait to talk with you when I am in a better mood," to make me feel better about the call. The situation bugs me so much and it's hard to talk to friends about. None of them met him so they don't understand that it really was something. I was excited because this felt like my first real relationship in five years. On the other hand, he'd just left a six-year relationship a few months before we met. He and his ex didn't speak post breakup, and I know that bugged him a lot. I asked him if he was on the rebound when he met me. Emphatically, he said no. Did I miss warning signs? Should I keep calling him? Write him a letter? I don't want to be a stalker but, after six weeks, don't you owe someone an explanation?
-Dating a Missing Man
Dear Missing Man,
Your missing man belongs to what my friend Rachel refers to as "the league of male vanishers." In other words, he's one of those stars who burns bright in your life for a brief time and then disappears into the night without apparent cause.
You have to understand that, at his core, he's a coward. He may look big and strong on the outside, but inside, he's freaked out by…well, any number of possibilities. These include intimacy, commitment, and honesty.
You wonder what you did to cause his disappearance. But his silent retreat has nothing to do with you. It's his immature way of coping. I am a proponent of "don't ask, don't explain" if you choose not to see someone for a second or third date. Often, the lack of chemistry and/or connection is clear and neither party needs to spell this out. In your case, however, your six-week fling seemed to be on a fast track. You aren't wrong to expect an explanation. But since he can't give that to you, let me take a crack at it.
Chances are, his reasons for a hasty departure are one of the following:
His ex boyfriend is still in the picture. Yes, you missed a warning sign by not recognizing angry avoidance of an ex is often a sign of unresolved feelings. Feelings have a way of wanting to be resolved, so maybe your ex found a way to do that, and the resolution included a reunion.
He really is on the rebound and wants to date around, but now doesn't know how to tell you that. His feelings for you shifted and he is confused, embarrassed, and (let's give him the benefit of the doubt), simply stuck in a communications abyss.
His badly bruised ego was in dire need of a confidence booster (enter you) and he was (subconsciously perhaps) trying to see if he could get you to fall for him. Once he got that ego fix, he lost interest, since this was never about building something real. This would make him a narcissist, by the way. Dating a narcissist is its own form of hell, so be thankful he left and spared you even greater pain down the road.
Those are the potential reasons, but none of them matter. He left you and your choice is to move on or stay stuck. Here's what I advise you to do:
1. First and foremost, move on. Take a little time to feel sorry for yourself if you want. There's nothing wrong with that, but start the timer if and when you do. Pity parties need an end date. Nothing will get you over this quicker than meeting a new guy.
2. Don't attempt to contact him. Let him go. It's not your job to track down a man who left you. Yes, he owes you an explanation, but you can get closure on your own.
3. Remind yourself that this type of relationship is not what you want. Yes, the closeness you were beginning to feel was wonderful. But don't you want that with someone who wouldn't leave you hanging with no explanation?
4. Rely on your friends for support. Friends don't need to meet him to understand that "it was really something." They need to know, however, that their friend is in pain and needs some TLC.
5. Don't make excuses for him. That's just a way of holding yourself back, hoping that he will reconnect with you later. If he really wanted to be with you, he'd give you the reassurance that he wanted to return to you once his head is cleared.
6. Be thankful for the time you shared. This might be hard to do right now, but try to be grateful. After years with no one special, this experience reminded you that you were capable of deep feelings for someone.
Bottom Line: Move on as soon as you feel up to it. Date and stay determined to meet a man who deserves your time and attention. If the missing man ever reappears, think long and hard before you automatically let him back into your life. Keep in mind that old expression, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
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© Dave Singleton 2007
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